i. am. in it.

realizing that my life’s work and loves have lead me to this moment, and i am so full of happiness and so thankful for those that have conspired to help me learn so many lessons about how to live. really and truly.

i’ve spent the past few weeks really focussed on squam stuff, but i was able to have an amazing new years weekend with bryan roaming around the island and puttering around the house. it was perfect.

my ever present instagram habit got some play and my photo above was featured on the instagram blog as part of their weekend hashtag project #cornered. the image was taken down in kinnakeet…a cute, little, old, truly authentic, beach-country neighborhood {that’s a lot of adjectives!} on the island to the south of us. it was the first time i had ever played along with the hashtag project and super fun to get a mention. especially since there were nearly 900 photos in the pool!

all that fresh air had us asleep long before midnight new years eve and we awoke to enjoy a gorgeous new years day where we filmed this little video for the squam site on juicing! i have to say, it was way more fun than i thought…i felt comfortable in front of the camera and then i got to do the editing — a skill and art i have always wanted to learn.

when we were all done shooting video, we shot oysters – well really we steamed them, though i prefer them raw.

and they were so good. one of the benefits of living here in the winter…

over at squam central we have giveaways going on all over the place. so if you’d like one of these gorgeous squam teacups – head on over and visit some of our friends’ blogs here:
Susannah Conway - for “m is for magic” (oh and her unravelling the year ahead workbook is really, really lovely and helpful! download it and do it…)
SouleMama - for “q is for quiet”
Maya Donenfeld - for “a is for art”
(and another coming on Friday 6 January!)

also today at the squam blog we launched our super fun Double Dog Dare…so that is something to check out if you need a little nudge or support in the intention/resolution department. i have been DDD’d to move my body every day for at least an hour. yes. an hour. every. day. oy. what time is it? i do have to say i really thrive on these bite-sized self-improvement projects…and the social accountability of it all keeps me honest.

and today is my mom’s birthday…happy birthday! talk about feeling gratitude for your life…

you know when you feel like you are in flow…like the pieces are all falling into place? that’s where i am right now. i am trying to capture this feeling, write it down, express it, photograph it — anything to help me remember it when things get dark and shadowy again. because they do. if there is any lesson i’ve learned it is this…but for now, it is nothing but love & light, baby!

so, i’ve been away awhile…but with good reason. i’ve been studying alchemy!

elusive, magical, the sum greater than the parts…

but what do you call it when you transform gold into something more…? because the truth is, we weren’t starting with base anything. elizabeth had already spun silver, and gold, and crystal, and beauty and light.

but somehow *together* took us beyond-the-beyond of what any one of us might have done alone. and what we created…? wow. just wow. a newly designed site (thanks to an amazing web development team), a new store, a new blog where you can actually comment! (so, a new way to allow our community to connect and share). a place to tell your own story, more pictures, videos…and the raves? peruse those and understand why i might have gushed on and on about squam. it really is that good.

oh and the retreats, my lawd the retreats…we have four this year (yes FOUR!) – two in new hampshire, one here in the outer banks again, and….be still my pasta-lovin’ soul ITALY! (each with a whole lotta amazing teachers, new faces and faves from sessions passed).

it feels so good to be a part of this creative collaboration…i am humbled as i sit with these three women and dream up all the lovely we want to bring to you and watch it manifest due to our own unique strengths and talents. fascinating to watch each stand in the power of their light and discerning opinions and knowledge and offer it to the collective good. powerful stuff…very powerful stuff.

so come on over…we are ready for you!

squam: creativity as a way of life

xo*m

♥

and well, yeah, i know it’s not going to last. and i know the moon, and hormones and stress and whatnot are going to spin me off into someplace where i hear myself saying “oh, i just can’t TAKE this”…but right now? it’s good.

in part because i’ve been HOME. and settling into my dream routine. do you have one of those? a perfect schedule in your brain that you think if you could just get it right and commit to it, you’d be happy? no? oh…well i do. and i feel i settled in with it right now. it includes waking up with the sun, spending some quiet time with myself, enjoying coffee with my love and the puppy, and moving my body (zumba has me entranced, and today it was a walk in the dunes – did i mention it’s sunny and like 65 degrees here?). then settling in to work that makes me HAPPY (i have a new gig! a fabulous new gig that i’ll tell you about soon!), then getting off the computer at a decent hour to enjoy a glass of wine as we prepare a meal together, an outdoor shower under the stars, some reading and finally falling asleep blissed out. yeah, easy to please in some ways. but the devil is in the details. so, in fact this morning was pretty much perfect, as was the weekend, and yesterday too (even with some unimaginable tech nightmare stuff) but it makes the stuff that comes up unexpectedly that threatens to drag you into the pits totally, gracefully, manageable.

i’ve also committed early to my theme for 2012…silly. i need more silly. i want to feel more silly. i want my go-to knee-jerk reaction to whatever situation to be my sense of humour (which is there, and pretty good and dare i say raunchy, but it’s hidden under a layer of literal). 2011 theme is here…and so far it’s been ON.

i did this art journaling workshop last weekend in edenton, nc and a place called studioBe…run by my squammy/serendipity girls donna and tracey. it was awesome, such a terrific group of women and so good for me to be on *that* side of the table!

an unfinished page in my art journal…i made this amazing french onion soup on sunday…oh my god – so much EASIER than i would have thought. and yummy and surprisingly healthy (well, if you use veggie broth). and i’m pretending that i might spend this winter making soup every weekend…

i’ve been juicing like crazy and LOVE it. mixing beets, apples, cucumbers, ginger, lemon, carrots, parsley, celery, radishes, peppers…anything i can get my hands on into that juicer and it’s like drinking pure, enlightened, energy.

i’m excited that i get to host thanksgiving this year…it’s been a long time since it’s been at our house and it makes me feel good to know everyone will be here. i hope it’s sunny and warm enough to walk in the dune but chilly enough to have a fire in the fireplace.

so, that’s where i am…sending goodness your way…

♥

but, woah. the aftermath, the re-entry… kind of a tsunami of emotions and things to-do here. the things to-do taking precedence over the processing as serendipity came on the heels of six weeks away from home, and participating in and facilitating four other workshops…

so let me just stay this for now, to all of you who showed up, brought it, laughed, cried, man-handled, cooked, schlepped, searched, sat quietly, painted, cheered, snorted, photographed, cidered, twinkled, shared, AVclubbed, hamburger-toasted, boogied, saved-my-ass, baked, smudged, intended, lead, house-mama’d, crock-potted, hot-tubbed, nightswum, star-gazed, bonfired, journeyed, whip-creamed, stumbled, took control, shrieked, gave, surrendered, s’mored, and essentially made it all it was…

thank you.

{more soon….}

~

I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us. ~ anne lamott

That’s the thing about Squam - it’s a mystery of grace – hard to capture in words and images. It’s an etheral experience, yet grounded in the earth, trees, cold (sometimes), and the clarity of lake water. We pilgrims make the journey and then every day we trod wooded paths and we break through invisible obstacles. My own, some of which I moved through, others I feel I’m knocking on their door, I now know where they are…

My teaching experience felt gorgeous…stage fright (one of my invisible obstacles) tackles me pretty good the morning before I teach, but such beauty walked through the door each time that I was immediately at ease. Just one soul connecting with mine in the classroom and all my anxiety leaves my body. Lucky for me, a full half of my students had been in classes with me previously so at least I could trust they knew what they were getting into :).

Both of my classes ended in a great stillness…my saturday class in particular was so deep, so so still and quiet that my own gremlins and teaching insecurities crept to the surface for a moment – had I done something wrong? Did I leave them somewhere and they don’t know how to get back? Did anyone want to share, I asked. A soft no… so I let it be and trusted that all was well. Slowly they began to move, some came to chat with me to share…and they were good. Really, really good. Peaceful…blissed…centered.

The next day Bridget sent one of her SoulNotes with this:
“I thought of my three-hour yoga class yesterday, and how after we had twisted, and stretched and downward dogged and laid in corpse pose, we each sat up and blinked and none of us said anything for 20 minutes. We sat there in silence. The silence was not prescribed. We weren’t told to be silent. There was just nothing at that moment that would improve upon the silence. Chatter does not equal connection. Quiet does not mean loneliness. When we let go of our own chattering minds, the emptiness is like the hush of a chapel or a clearing in the early morning.”

On the car ride back to Providence, Elizabeth asked me my top 5 squam moments this time around:
1) Twinkle duty with Jen on Wednesday with Jonatha serenading us from the piano…
2) Listening to Kayte’s talk during our opening ceremony…
3) Celebrating Pixie’s 40th birthday with a dance party and “truth branch” circle of initiation to 40-dom…
4) Meditating on our dock before classes each morning… the lake spirits are so pure and clear
5) All the times the laughter was spontaneous, contagious, loud and snorting… as “lightening up” is my new mantra.

In a purely literal sense, i’ve never gone directly home again after Squam. This time I find myself in New York for three weeks. Something I intended back in May in conversation with my girls Madeline and Deanna – to spend a good enough chunk of time in The City each year to feel like I have a city life as well as my beach life – and here it is, Man-i-fested.

On a metaphysical sense, i’ve never gone directly home again after Squam either…or maybe home has shifted to someplace even deeper and more sacred within me. I find myself quiet, centered, comfortable and grateful in this new space – the stillness we found in my classes has come home to roost and I am good.

♥

i.

am.

in.

mmmm-hmmmm…

deeeeeeeep, with you darlin’…

tonite elizabeth and i will be up close and personal with the evokative, soul-shaking, hip-circling mmmm-hmmmm depths of sean hayes at le poisson rouge in nyc. i’m still in a little bit of disbelief that we are really here and doing this…because tomorrow, craziest of ideas, we get up at 6am to drive the 6 hours north to the lakeside to begin our next squam adventure.

and all i can say about that is: thank god i don’t have to teach until friday because this girl loves her sleep more than you know. i promise though, i’ll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by everyone’s wedneday arrival. squam wednedays are the best because jen gray and i are on *twinkle duty* and THEN we greet everyone as they arrive. i LOVE this part of squam (almost as much as the salad bar. universe, please note, i would love a magical salad bar at my house that is constantly refreshed with goodness, please. thank you.).

to my dear squammys….there is so much goodness waiting for you. i can’t wait to sit around the fire and hear your stories, learn from you, guide you and share time and space with you. if there is anything at all i can do to help you, answer questions, orient you, ground you, please reach out to me….

and most importantly, may your time on the lake be full, vibrant, alive, adventurous, restorative and full of love….

♥

I am so excited to share that Mindy Lacefield is joining us at Serendipity this October!

Mindy and I first met last year when she participated in the goodness that was Squam by the Sea. She is such a sweet soul. A doggie-mama too, with the most charming southern accent and exquisite talent. Recently as I was visiting my beloved Elizabeth, I was holding a painting of Mindy’s in my hands and marveling at the colors and the life that she breathed into her work…and I just knew I had to find a way to bring her back to the sea.

And here she is! With TWO offerings on Thursday and Friday… Can’t wait to meet you all here…

photo by jonny meyer

♥

i love that elizabeth lives in a town called Providence.

the word itself means the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power. woah. that’s a lot to live up to…

her new city was founded and named by roger williams, after he was banished from massachusetts bay colony for his religious beliefs. his beliefs? religious freedom and the separation of church and state. providence plantation, as he came to call it, became a refuge for those seeking asylum from religious persecution and the freedom to celebrate their higher power the way that felt best to them.

powerful stuff, no?

the first time i heard the word Providence was in an indigo girls song - prince of darkness. while i felt the powerful anthem aspect of the song and it moved me deeply as i was making my way through a challenging period in my twenties, re-reading the lyrics now i understand so much more the intention of the song. what i hear now is a woman discovering her own inner wisdom, her intuition. her dark night of the soul giving way to a clear understanding that she really does have all the support she needs – family, friends, spiritual beleifs. that she can trust. that she needs to listen to her gut and make those tough decisions – those huge, important, scary changes in her life…that she needs to move toward the light.

at the end of the song, the voice of that recognition and understanding makes a declaration of strength:

“my place is of the sun, and this place is of the dark
(my grace, my sight grows stronger, grows stronger)
i do not feel the romance, i do not catch the spark
(and i will not be a pawn to the prince of darkness any longer)”

all of that to say…Providence is intended to be safe haven for those seeking the light and I am so thankful that the spirit of my dear friend will be fed, nurtured and protected in that city. there is so much goodness to come…

~ lightseekers ~

♥

surrender is not a word i take lightly to…

i use it in my teachings…asking students to surrender fully to the pull of the earth… but it is always in a place of safety and trust. teaching them that the earth won’t let them fall…and to believe in it.

but see…i’ve been sick. knocked flat by bronchitis. i honestly can’t tell you the last time i had this – must have been my teenage years and i had no recollection of how hard of a punch this infection could land on you. and wow do i have a surge of compassion for anyone who ever has to get well from this. i have been literally 6+ days sofa-bound. fighting it all the way because it meant no teaching, i tearfully had to cancel the much-anticipated trip up to provy to see elizabeth, and no visitors as i was told i was uber-contagious. bryan and his dad were both travelling and that left nothing but the menagerie and streaming netflix to keep me company…i think i watched something like 15 movies, most of them a hazy nyquil-infused memory (though i was certainly drawn to chick flicks – before sunrise, after sunset, once, like for water for chocolate!)

the malaise alone was exhausting and it felt like my subconscious need and desire for white space and nothingness suddenly spun out of control and went into hyper-drive…enforcing a literal physical inability to do anything at all.

plus, what was making me so, so mad was that i had been doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS! resting well, yoga, good walks, eating healthfully, i felt so, so good…how could this happen? i felt so betrayed by my body, i felt anger, frustration and spent many an hour on the phone with elizabeth complaining. i was fighting it every step of the way…and then things changed.

early one morning, the sweet kitty who had been one of my furry nursemaids, found the perscription albuterol inhaler the doctor had given me on monday and knocked it to the floor…little eli thought it made a good chew toy and the strange hissing sound it made as his sharp teeth punctured the canister freaked all of us out. some google research, a call to the vet, watching him carefully and then within the hour we were in the vet ER with a case of albuterol poisoning…his heart pounding, he lay lethargic and panting in my arms as i drove to the vet…we almost lost him.

thankfully our vet is a toxicology expert and knew exactly what to do…it was like a triage center….nurses, tubes, blood pressure, IV… everything moved fast and he was stabilized quickly and actually home with me that evening**…both of us exhausted. all i could think was that if i had not been home when it happend he would be gone. followed by, had i not been sick, i wouldn’t have had the inhaler that poisoned him.

the riddle infuriated me and i spun it around in my head until at last i realized i just had to let it go. there was no other choice, nothing could be done so just let go of the anger, the frustration, let go of fighting something i had no control over and instead snuggle down into the sofa — gratefully — with the puppy and SURRENDER to our bodies natural process of healing.

and there i stayed. i’m still not fully well…but i’m able to spend a few hours puttering around before i need a nap so i know i’m on the upswing! eli is doing well, barely phased at this point though he does have a few days more on some blood pressure medicine that makes him a little sleepy. with any luck, i hope to get that provy trip back on for later this week too!

xo

**so cute, he was so happy to be leaving the vet in that eager, excited doggie way. but when the two of us actually got HOME he was even more excited. he was jumping up and down and wagging and rolling on to his back to have me rub his belly…as though i had just walked in the door from being away. when actually we had both just walked in the door together. it was this moment when i realized he understood what HOME was and that home is different from me. he’s a smart boy.

♥