~ biplane and the remnants of a heart-shaped cloud ~
has anyone else noticed a heightening of their intuition? more synchronicity, more knowing? i wish i had written down how often things really seemed magically aligned the past couple of weeks – the times i thought of someone and they phoned, or songs delivering the right message, moments of serendipity, or of just the right information finding its way to me…
making their way into my conscious awareness are some themes – the words “memory” and “wild*” have come up repeatedly. when this happens i perk up my ears and listen hard, as something important is trying to come through. then this appeared:
“There is a place in us where wisdom and wildness dance together…”~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer
and so it all makes sense…. i have decided to start an excruciatingly personal writing project, in part dealing with the loss i mentioned previously. i’m finding that this is a gateway and a path to healing those parts of me that i have silenced. already i’ve noticed that while my intention is an effort to preserve the memories i have that are already fading, what i’m also uncovering in the process is far more important–insights i have desperately needed but hadn’t allowed myself to access.
see, my memories are poor and my mind generally moves in the present or the future (to do lists!). this is partly survival mechanism and partly because i’m an only child and we moved often, therefore so many of my memories are mine alone and don’t get retrieved with family and friends. i have no photographs of myself as a child…they’ve been lost, and at times intentionally discarded along the way (and one of the projects i’ve given myself is to describe in detail the photos i do remember). as i’ve been writing, i’ve become aware that my life has been subconsciously filled with photographers and writers, sentimentalists and historians…those who document, those who record.
my memory feels to me to be made of cloudstuff – shifting and changing. at times dense, tangled and foggy, at others wispy, ethereal, untethered. rarely delineated, rarely crystal clear…in my moments of awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night anxiety, i worry about alzheimer’s (among other things).
one of the ways memory came to me recently was through this gorgeous video project by jonathan harris. the photos are moving, yes, (especially the way he has them edited together as a product of his year-long project) but it was his philosophy and way of thinking about his work that moved me most. his idea that this project wasn’t so much about an endpoint, but more of a walkabout, cataloging his life, reflecting on what memory means and this idea of his that “your greatest creation is always going to be your life story.” plus, his voice is soothing to me.
just days before the video appeared to me, i ordered jen lee‘s finding your voice experience and as a bonus she has done this podcast on retrieving autobiographical memory. her voice too, soothes me. so earnest, so sincere, so accepting and curious. i can’t wait for her book to arrive and to begin to dig in.
it is fascinating to me that these two voices, and this idea of memory and finding your own voice have been echoing around the chambers this week. wild is still percolating…but i trust that somewhere in my writing–in the freedom and permission i’ve given myself to speak my truth, and somewhere in my memories, the pathways of my wild self will be more fully revealed…