sublime…

deanna’s waterfall and swimmin’ hole… in fact she’s got two…

i never really knew what this word meant: sublime.

i’ve likely used it. i like the band. i would nod knowingly when someone described something as sublime…but until tonight i think i’ve never really understood the feeling (though sitting here now i can think of a few nights or elephant gray mornings that compare)…

this evening, the sun low in the sky, the smoke from the lighting fire that is still burning the peat in the swamp called alligator on the mainland creating a filter, a haze to the light. dinner was cooking, i was showered, the house was quiet as bryan is away. a chilled glass of wine, the front porch, simone and eli quietly at my feet… and there it was…the sublimeness. the absolute utter peacefulness. the feeling that i’m going to be ok. better — that all is right in the world for that very moment, a stillness, a oneness…

i took a deep breath, i wished i was sharing it with you…and i let it be.

it’s, like, a verb…

NYC from the Williamsburg bridge

sometimes I come here and i know exactly what needs to be said…it’s an idea, a story that bubbles out of me and like champagne it is uncontained by the vessel that is me and needs to be put somewhere. it’s just this feeling. other times, i remember that i might want to check in over here and see how everyone is doing. as i start this, i’m not sure where i’m ending up today.

things have flip-flopped at least five times since last we visited. i’m on this roller coaster of emotion and clarity and defeat and inspiration, the upshot being there is a huge transition happening in my life and i feel suspended…as in “there is a moment when the acrobat let’s go of one trapeze and is completely suspended in mid-air before she catches the incoming rung.” i am full of excitement and doubt. fear and belief.

that statement is accurate in the feeling-state of suspension but what is missing to me is the action required to catch the next rung…the active rather than passive verb…the REACHING. ’cause you gotta work for it, honey.

cue: stayin’ alive soundtrack

i had this long dialogue with deanna in NYC this week about my recent statement that “joy is our birthright” she completely disagreed with me, and as is one of our habits we figured it out together (she can be very persuasive even though i am the elder more worldly and wise friend). ultimately she concluded and i agreed: joy isn’t our birthright. (gasp!) there are endless examples of poverty, destruction, mental illness, and economic disaster that would impede this birthright. but the PURSUIT of joy IS our birthright (oh those founding fathers…). there’s the rub. the verb makes all the difference. none of this life stuff comes easy all the time. sure we have gifts, we have zones of genius, we are lucky to be born into certain situations…but ultimately to claim your own joy you have to do the work. as elizabeth gilbert put it so beautifully “you have to persist relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.”

so where was I? oh, i am suspended. yes. hanging out here in mid-air but rather than retract in fear i am choosing to expand. i’m investing, i’m re-creating, i’m building – i’ve released my grip on one rung and i am

R E A C H I N G

for the next. if i don’t catch it and plummet i am trusting that if i can just relax a little i’ll bounce at the bottom…

~~~

Oh, and I wrote a post over at Serendipity on Sunday…a little about “why” we need these creative retreats as women. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

suspension bridge

xo

bike rides and birthdays and shifting…

these smell so gooooood…

yes, my birthday came and went…a glorious sunshiny day spent mostly outside, a long walk in the dunes with the menagerie, eli obsessively chasing the frisbee, hopping on my bike for a ride to the pier for breaky, peddling to the coffee shop, all in between moments of leisure on the deck. no work…well no work-work, lots of soul-work. the culmination of which is some powerful shifts in how i feel about things.

my birthday present to myself was signing up for danielle laporte & marie forleo’s selling your soul in NY next week. last year i gave myself some yoga teacher training, the year before…wine glasses (ha! see how evolved i’ve become?). I got the very last seat in the house for SYS. not surprising since i can be such a glacier about decisions, but it appears i was meant to be there.  it’s important to me to have my way of thinking challenged, and the way danielle and marie have turned the cliche of “selling your soul” on it’s axis just really worked for me. i get it. yes, this is what i do.

always important has been this idea giving my gifts to be of service… and my passion for creating the space to learn and love through serendipity/my studio & doing the workshops for burn magazine will both be served when i shift into new ways of thinking about them. but mostly for me it’s about owning my own value…not just giving lip service to this idea, but truly a shift in understanding that what i do is important. you know, the sacred part of being a sacred facilitator.

plus, i’m extra-stoked for the trip because i get to hang with two of my besties…madeline & deanna…who have NEVER MET! so this is good, good, GOOD juju all around.

the more powerful shifts came in matters of the heart. all the writing i’ve been doing is releasing me from burdens that i was voluntarily carrying. i can feel my hands opening, my grip on the past softening and with that my heart is feeling more open and expansive and full of warmth. i’m feeling ready to reach out and explore a new, better and evolved pathway of being with those i care about. what a lesson! once agan my way of thinking has kept things too small, kept things in their cozy little ruts. i understand now that if things are going to change, i need to be the change agent – all in the name of healing and love and friendship.

the hardest part about shifting is that sometimes you are the first and the challenge then is waiting for others to find their way to meet you there, meanwhile holding the space for them without losing hope or your own clarity. other times you are the last, and this has its own challenges, not the least of which is the suffering. i’m not sure which i am in this case…i can see it both ways. all i know is that once the shift occurred it was this very clear, body-mind-heart-soul feeling of AHA! and i feel easily able to put my new energy out there to align us all and make my intention of forgiveness manifest.

um. so yeah…

41 you’re off to a pretty good start.