vibing…

~ biplane and the remnants of a heart-shaped cloud ~

has anyone else noticed a heightening of their intuition? more synchronicity, more knowing? i wish i had written down how often things really seemed magically aligned the past couple of weeks – the times i thought of someone and they phoned, or songs delivering the right message, moments of serendipity, or of just the right information finding its way to me…

making their way into my conscious awareness are some themes – the words “memory” and “wild*” have come up repeatedly. when this happens i perk up my ears and listen hard, as something important is trying to come through. then this appeared:

“There is a place in us where wisdom and wildness dance together…”~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

and so it all makes sense…. i have decided to start an excruciatingly personal writing project, in part dealing with the loss i mentioned previously. i’m finding that this is a gateway and a path to healing those parts of me that i have silenced. already i’ve noticed that while my intention is an effort to preserve the memories i have that are already fading, what i’m also uncovering in the process is far more important–insights i have desperately needed but hadn’t allowed myself to access.

see, my memories are poor and my mind generally moves in the present or the future (to do lists!). this is partly survival mechanism and partly because i’m an only child and we moved often, therefore so many of my memories are mine alone and don’t get retrieved with family and friends. i have no photographs of myself as a child…they’ve been lost, and at times intentionally discarded along the way (and one of the projects i’ve given myself is to describe in detail the photos i do remember). as i’ve been writing, i’ve become aware that my life has been subconsciously filled with photographers and writers, sentimentalists and historians…those who document, those who record.

my memory feels to me to be made of cloudstuff – shifting and changing. at times dense, tangled and foggy, at others wispy, ethereal, untethered. rarely delineated, rarely crystal clear…in my moments of  awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night anxiety, i worry about alzheimer’s (among other things).

one of the ways memory came to me recently was through this gorgeous video project by jonathan harris. the photos are moving, yes, (especially the way he has them edited together as a product of his year-long project) but it was his philosophy and way of thinking about his work that moved me most. his idea that this project wasn’t so much about an endpoint, but more of a walkabout, cataloging his life, reflecting on what memory means and this idea of his that “your greatest creation is always going to be your life story.” plus, his voice is soothing to me.

just days before the video appeared to me, i ordered jen lee‘s finding your voice experience and as a bonus she has done this podcast on retrieving autobiographical memory. her voice too, soothes me. so earnest, so sincere, so accepting and curious. i can’t wait for her book to arrive and to begin to dig in.

it is fascinating to me that these two voices, and this idea of memory and finding your own voice have been echoing around the chambers this week. wild is still percolating…but i trust that somewhere in my writing–in the freedom and permission i’ve given myself to speak my truth, and somewhere in my memories, the pathways of my wild self will be more fully revealed…

just because…

…i like the colors, they make me happy.

…and because the thoughts turning around in my head are still forming, the thread is missing and they feel disconnected. i need a bit more time to sort them through and structure them.

…and because i’m in mississippi and this land still vibrates with the deep roots of conflict, and yet it is rich with beauty and light and possibility and creativity.

…and because on the new moon i pulled the five of cups…a card of loss, but a reminder not to mourn so deeply that you forget the abundance of blessings that remain. the card was a powerful messenger, and it wasn’t two days before it manifested in my life. still, i was blindsided, but i’m dealing with it the best i can and when the tears threaten to fall, i let them and search through blurred vision for the wildflowers, the feathers, and the reminders of how to find my way back home.

more on letting go…

jatiluwih valley, bali 2011

this little boy and his friends were having a swim (and perhaps a bath too!) in an irrigation ditch, while his sisters washed clothing. he would climb out and jump in, climb out and jump in over and over again. when they were finished with the washing they all climbed on a motorbike to head home and hang the clothes out to dry. just another day…so vastly different from my own.

what struck me most was that none of them were in school. the sisters were perhaps 14, this boy and his little friends should have been in early elementary school i would think. but the system there doesn’t provide education to all the way our public school system does here at home. in bali, the families must pay and unfortunately most parents aren’t able to send their children to school.

still, their literacy rate is high and they often speak many languages – balinese, indonesian and english at a minimum. in lombok they knew sasak too, and when asked how they learned, they would smile and laugh and say they learned from us! the visitors to their country…”do you like my country? what do you like best?”

how strange and beautiful it is to feel so much is lacking and in the next moment feel so lucky. we had this ongoing conversation about culture and happiness between americans and the balinese, and who lives a happier life, and who lives a more challenging life and why? we haven’t decided…

~~~~

launching *serendipity* last week was a big step, a bit like stepping off a cliff to jump into a river 30-feet down. i had done most of the work for it while i was traveling, bringing it to life in a land full of kindness and offerings from the heart. so it feels so good to me. but still, i’m putting myself out there in a far bigger way than a blog, or teaching, or making a fool of myself lip-synching to some terrible 80’s song and posting it on facebook*. and those few days after i hit go did feel like free-falling (after the amazing spontaneous dance party i had in my office of course!). but it was something that had been marinating. one of those things that wanted to be born, and it was only my own fears and insecurities that kept putting up these terrific obstacles. i was actually planning to launch it 3 weeks prior – but the name i had chosen just wasn’t right and i knew it. it wasn’t born of my heart, but it was safe.

but there is something to a name, and when i let go and stopped thinking too hard about it is exactly when *serendipity* arrived.  it has some magic in it, and a sense of discovery, and of unexpected treasures. what more could you ask for in a name? well, then i found this…

Whether we name divine presence synchronicity, serendipity, or graced moment matters little. What matters is the reality that our hearts have been understood. Nothing is as real as a healthy dose of magic which restores our spirits. ~ Nancy Long

i hope it finds you, too.

~~~~~

*speaking of lip-synching to bad 80’s music - jen, allison, stacy, mccabe – we brought online karaoke to new heights yesterday and that was exactly the magic i needed. i haven’t laughed so hard in far too long! thank you…love you all.