~ the clouds are parting and i’m feeling more like myself ~

i am grateful for that little voice inside me that knows Truth

& for your kindness (yes, you!)

thank you for helping me find my way back home.

identity crisis…

i’m struggling with an identity crisis, at least here in my writing. see, as the title with which i’ve chosen to identify myself and this space says blissful, it’s important to me that this space is protected from the ruminations of indecision, fretting, sadness, fear. i generally don’t care to complain, and i don’t like to feel like i’m whining. my way when things get tough, usually, is to go inside – and at times i go so deep that often it’s to the point of becoming completely mute. paralyzed, unable to speak with the turning of my mind. i can become completely frozen – almost as though i have lock jaw. i have found this to be infuriating to people, and while i don’t do it on purpose, i realize it protects me – because then i don’t say anything i don’t mean (or that i do mean, but may be hurtful) and i can come to my own conclusions and understanding at my own pace. some people take the silence personally.

but sometimes it’s the writing that helps to unstick me, and i wonder if by keeping it “blissful” i’m also presenting a one-dimensional view to the world. too, because this site is connected to my yoga studio website (read: professional) i want to make sure that i’m presenting inspirational material – which somehow has turned into the habit that i don’t drop in here unless it’s all puppies, rainbows (boots) and unicorns (preferably pink).

sorry to disappoint any of you, but it’s just not all faerie dust all the time around here, i swear.

honestly if it weren’t for yoga and all those other things that aren’t called yoga but heal me, i wouldn’t have the good days because the bad days might never stop. or at least that’s what i become afraid of…. the pit, the paralysis, the angst, the depression might never end. but it does…it always has. metaphorical spring always comes again to my world after the darkest of cold winters.

i wasted spent the gorgeous fall day yesterday inside. on the sofa. writing in my journal and reading grace (eventually) by anne lamott in it’s entirety. looking for answers. the questions? all about finding the line between my own self-respect and compassion for another human being.

as the universe sometimes does, a perfect storm of events led me to a place where i needed to solely focus on processing heart-sinking decisions. i questioned my own reactions and motives, and suffered through a round of (intentionally) suppressed traumatic memories. over the past week i’ve had to deal with a parade of unfamiliar and uncomfortable feelings – rage for one. abandonment and fear of the primal type as well. i sobbed into my pillow for hours late saturday night, and as i mentioned never left the sofa on sunday.

this morning i woke up, still cloudy, sill a little disassociated from the life that is here now in this moment, still living in the past. i drank my coffee, did some morning work, and then did they only thing i could do, i packed my things to go to yoga where it all came pouring out in my practice. each and every emotion came to the surface. {if someone had been watching my face i imagine it would have been like that scene in terminator 2 when they push that shape-shifting T-1000 robot into the pool of molten steel to terminate it, and each time it comes up again it’s another character that it had shifted into during the film}. but somewhere in there, between the emotions, between the thoughts, there was space. and that space is where i find my peace.

i hoped to come out of the studio with the answers. i didn’t. in fact, nothing has really changed except i don’t feel so tight in the chest and jaw, and i don’t feel so closed or afraid anymore. going in to my studio this morning i could have SAID the words “it’s ok. i know we are all just doing our best.” but coming out i believed them.

and THAT, at least, is one step closer to the bliss.

so in light of authenticity…you might read a bit more of this kind of stuff here moving forward. if you’re looking for rainbows and unicorns, stay tuned. they stop by regularly too.