i have a secret…

“i have a secret. i don’t mind what happens. “

~ krishnamurti, 20th century indian philosopher

~~~~~

powerful, no? i enjoyed a lovely class today with mary jo…and this was the message she shared with us as she guided us gracefully through a strong, slow and inspired class. we are so lucky to have her in our midst…

some sights along the way…

all taken with my handy-dandy iphone. click on an image for thoughts….

until my heart becomes a wing…

heartwoodheartwood, found somewhere


i will not die an unlived life.
i will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
i choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
i choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
~ dawna markovva ~

quite simply, now she knows…

photo

quite simply, now she knows…she’s an artist.

and squam was exactly where i needed to be…

my cabin was exactly where i needed to be…

my room and cabin-mates were exactly who they needed to be…

the classes were exactly what they were meant to be…

i am utterly filled with love, strength and most of all…gratitude to the love brigade for showing me the way; for all the connections and serendipitous moments of grace; generous, wise, and gifted teachers that created and held space for our own voices to be heard; the delightful new friends made; the amazing depth and breadth of artistic voices that inspired; the obstacles moved; the doorway that opened into a light-filled future; and especially many, many, many MANY (ok, absolutely endless amounts of) heartfelt, teary-eyed thank yous to my beloved elizabeth for calling me home.

i do not understand the mystery of grace.
only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us.
- anne lamott

~love~

….

the quiet times…

hiding in plain sight

creature hiding in plain sight, taken with iphone…

~
there are times in my life where my world gets really quiet. It’s more than introspection…yes, there are a lot of questions teeming around inside of my heart. yes, i’m trying to *think* and *reason* my way into the answers to those questions. yes, i get physically quiet. i don’t feel much like sharing my thoughts, so i’m not speaking, not writing. not reaching out. my closest kindreds recognize these times and poke (gently)…”hey, you alright in there?”

this is one of those times. though it feels a little different, less heavy and more productive. there have been some true, honest, and beautiful realizations that make me so excited for the time when i come out of this cocoon…and there have been some really tough moments of realization of just how hard i can be on myself. yesterday i was listening to a yoga DVD (foundations by hillary rubin – it’s great. one of those that’s for beginners but is also so deep that practiced yogis will really appreciate the wisdom. i’ll have copies of it in the studio soon for you). i say listening rather than doing because i felt so tapped of energy and sad that i went to my mat with the intention of practicing along with hillary rubin, but instead found myself in a restorative pose (reclining goddess – oh how i love that name, and it’s as blissful as it sounds!) and stayed in it for most of the length of the DVD. but i listened. hillary has a a unique perspective and she said something that was like putting her finger directly on a little point of my heart and i started weeping. early on in the practice she has us in cat pose and says “how do you see yourself” and i suddenly really heard the things i’ve been saying to myself.

i’ve had enough therapy and done enough meditation to know that there is an ongoing monologue within all of us…and i’ve listened to my inner voice and worked on changing that recording. hence my “blissful*thinking” blog. i’ve always known and believed in the power of a postive thought process. somewhere along the line, though, i stopped paying attention and that voice has become, well, cruel. my voice tells me i’m not good enough in a variety of ways, using many different tactics and lots of “you should have’s…” and “why didn’t you…” and has now added “how could you…” and even direct insults. i remembered hearing myself insulting my own knees earlier in the day. to be honest, I’ve never paid much attention to what my knees looked like, but suddenly my voice is telling me they look like saggy, baggy elephant knees. what a waste of time, this voice.

but really all of it, every last bit of it, comes back to fear. the voice is just a way of holding myself back so that i don’t move forward, don’t take risks. and ultimately don’t become fully open to my own possibility.

i’m capping this introspective time with two weeks away in september. i’m blocking out some time to do a solo road trip to new hampshire to be with all the lovelies at the squam art workshops. then i’ll head back south for a week deep in the woods, by a river, with lots of trees. a quiet, lovely, art, nature, book and writing-filled soul retreat. i’ve never done anything like this before. i’ve never allowed myself to think i deserved a break. but something in my body has recently said “enough!”  i need it to be a week of sleep, yummy food, and soul work – and i would oh so love some suggestions on things to read or do to help guide this work while i’m there.  i’m so, so grateful to those in my life that are making it possible -  my friends for letting me hide away in their cabin, the instructors that have been and will be teaching my classes, elizabeth at squam for being so encouraging and telling me i belong there. i’m quite honestly, seriously scared. but i’m going for it anyway. i wonder how i’ll see myself when i get back.