something always missing…

missing – beck

I prayed heaven today
Would bring its hammer down on me
And pound you out of my head
I can’t think with you in it

I’d drag all that I owned
Down the dirt road to find you
And my shoes, worn-out and used
They can’t take me much farther
Ohhh

Something always takes the place of missing pieces
You can take and put together even though
You know there’s something missing

The sun burned a hole in my roof
I can’t seem to fix it
And I hope rain doesn’t come
Wash me down the gutter

Something always takes the place of missing pieces
You can take and put together even though
You know there’s something missing

She rides in a car
Like a queen on a card
And the guns of her mind
Aim a line straight at mine
To a heart that is broke
Tried to feel but got choked
In the smoke of a desert
A beach with no treasure
A night that seems blue
Feed the aching in you
And the background birds
Take a flight from the earth
A bonfire burns
And the night current turns
On a lifeboat floating
Down a river of sleep
Can’t see her hollow eyes
Walking along with my boots full of rocks
Can’t believe these tears of mine
I give ‘em to you to keep away in a box

Something always takes the place of missing pieces
You can take and put together even though
You know there’s something missing

Something always missing
Always someone missing something
Something always missing
Always someone missing something
Something always missing
Always someone missing something
Something always missing

sparkling…

sometimes the whole world sparkles…you catch the light bouncing off the waves of the sound waters or get lost in the bubbles in a glass of saturday afternoon lunchtime champagne…you see the twinkle of laughter and deep knowing in the eyes of an old soul and the playful glint of mischief in the eyes of a new friend…and you take a deep breath. you know. you understand. you kindle these sparkles of divinity. you sigh. and you seal the moment with a prayer of gratitude.

love!

bon iver….

bon iver – skinny love

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order’s tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

In the morning I’ll be with you
But it will be a different “kind”
I’ll be holding all the tickets
And you’ll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I’m breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

full moon fever…

when we were still living in dc, i had begun to notice a pattern amongst our close friends. though we spent a lot of time together all the time…some of the best would be nights when, for one reason or another, we all happened to be in town back from our globe-trotting, and we all happened to be in sync. our energies up, all eager to gather together at one home or another and enjoy wine and food, laughter and conversation. maybe even an impromptu dance party. invariably i began to notice that these “best of times” were nights that were completely unplanned, totally unscripted, and with a full moon or a seasonal equinox or solstice. being the most blatant “hippie” of our gang, they would always tease me about it when i pointed out what to me was so obvious… this tribal gathering was of a lunar inspiration.

last night it happened again…and really for one of the first time’s here in the outer banks. a random gathering, where most of the pieces fell into place… some of the old favorites were present and some new favorites appeared. as the night wore on and the moon began to rise over the trees, that familiar energy crept into my consciousness. we talked music and photography, we laughed a lot, told old stories, and made new ones. it felt like coming home to me. and i’m so happy the tribe is growing and i’m so happy to have caught a bit of that full moon fever.

it’s not my idea, but i like it…

sacred sunday! a day to celebrate all those things that are sacred to you..however you best celebrate that…for some it could be attending church, for others a blissful yoga practice, for me this morning it’s doing a little coffee, a little writing, windows and sliders thrown wide open, the birdsong mingling with the decemberists on the stereo (a little more indie rock than what i would usually choose for a sunday morning…but i like his voice).

yesterday was monika’s birthday and we had a big party at her place to celebrate all the may birthdays. there are so many of us that she has collected! she has an amazing house with an ocean to sound view of the northern beaches….her house was filled with good friends and good kids and good dogs and good food….we watched the sunset over the sound off of her back deck and enjoyed some moonrise at the beach afterwards. i finally got to meet her mom. they have the same smile and it is clear where monika’s silliness comes from. oh, and the neighborhoods red fox also popped in for a little visit, watching us from atop the dune.

monika and i have been enjoying a growing friendship and having what we’re calling “spring break” this whole month (minus most of the hedonism). this sort of free-spirited playfulness has been permeating both of our lives. from my perspective, it is merely the freedom of not having a deadline for the first time in seven+ years that is filling me with this insatiable need to play! monika is just playful…so that’s her excuse.

so today…after the writing, the coffee, the morning….i plan to indulge in some time at the beach before the crowds really show up for the summer. feet in the sand, hunting for beach glass, and hopefully gazing into the eyes of pelicans and plovers.

what will you say to me when i’ve gone away?

press play, then read on:

getting straight to the point, as unromantically, and unpoetically as possible apparently – i’ve been having a hard time digesting my life of late. the choices i’ve made. the choices i’m considering…family, children, all the unfortunately typical 30+something drama.

my mantra had always been that the major decisions i’ve had to make in my life had been the right ones. the path was true. through all the drama, the trauma, the tears and the indecisive misery, i had come out clean. i could trust my gut on those big turns of life. at some point these decisions, and that truth that stood behind them, became less consistent. the path has become less clear. and while i tend to trust my intuition on the subtler points of life, the large choices have become more critical, and i have less time to decide with the clock ticking far away in some distant corner of my mind…so far that i’m not even consciously aware of it. i only have this vague sense that i should be aware of it.
or that maybe even something is wrong with me that i don’t hear it.
or that it’s not the only thing i’m hearing.

add to that the judgement that the heartbeat of my life is about something far less important then mortality, or genetic imperative, but really just those moments that make me feel. really…feel. i suppose i’m talking about feeling alive as cliche as that sounds…my life’s work…yoga…is about feeling alive. and yet i feel numb. life is either blindingly mundane or indescribably intense. both are intolerable.

toss into this salad my intense misunderstanding of the nature of family. of this love/hate/unconditional/forgiveness/misery/competitive/devotion thing that creates the concept of familial bond as i have observed it. how do i navigate this territory that i’ve never experienced, map-less even? how do i give all i have, when i’ve never had enough? how do i be? and be enough? how do i make these choices when no one is choosing to make them for me? or with me?

(iron+wine fueled ramblings)

wine and cleave…

last night i enjoyed the 2nd “wine and cleave” party. the brainchild of a quartet of hot momma’s up in duck – claiborne, jennifer, avery, & robyn – this annual celebration is a chance for women to get together, be proud of their “endowments”, have some wine, a lot of laughter (specifically at the festive decor of naked barbie and ken dolls!), do some dancing, and well…mostly just enjoy all that good delicious girlie camaraderie! the only boy present was our bartender and man, did he get an eyefull!

it was so much fun and all proceeds go to breast cancer research…how’s that for some karma yoga!

can’t wait for next year girls!

xox!

….

today is not like any other day…

cuz it’s my birthday! :)

i am always so amazed and honored by those that remember this day in the life of one girl. and usually i try and sneak on by without anyone noticing it at all.

but this year i feel like living it loud!

yay!

and the winner for furthest reaching birthday wish goes to ERIN! he’s working on a film in kenya and sent me a text message with birthday wishes already this morning!

lovelovelove and birthdays!

(woah…thats a lot of exclamation points in there)