standing like a mountain, and with resolute determination and practice focusing all attention on that which will bring me to the essence of my true, essential and fundamental self.
– Patanjali’s third sutra.
Yoga is sitting in the seat of the self. Finding home. A key to a door I’ve been needing to find, and open. And step through. And sit down. And light a fire. And spread the love…
today we talked about separating ourselves…the true self within us…from our cultural self. The one that our parents, society, the world created…..my father bailed on us before I was two …and my mom bailed on herself, and therefore on me throughout my whole life. we don’t communicate now at all, and this has been my choice, my decision. Something I’ve vehemently defended as being good for me, the right thing to do. Growing up, her cruelty was unfathomable. And I can still hear her voice in my head whenever I’m trying to muster up the courage for something, or if I’m needlessly regretting something ive done, its her insults I hear.
but here i am. with all these warm, open loving people. But at times I feel so separated from them. They’ve led such interesting lives, and have relationships with their parents…ive spent my life trying to distance myself from my mother…by being smarter, and working harder, and taking better care of myself, and not being afraid of everything and having “more” and doing more. But I struggle with feeling empty
Surrounded by an unimaginable depth of compassion, and thoughtfulness, and consciousness here. so much wisdom. Palpable, textured, round, glowing awareness. Old souls. You don’t turn a corner without bumping into a learning experience.
i am so humbled. and so thankful
creating the life you imagine is completely possible.. of this I am certain.
I feel almost too over-stimulated to fully explain why (something about electrons and the blackholes within them and parallel universes.) it’s so difficult to try and process, absorb, and explain to you what I’ve heard, felt, and experienced these past few days. Just an example of what we are examining…
did you know that it has been scientifically proven that intention is a force in the universe….
just a few years ago, quantum physicists discovered that the results of experiments at the quantum (or subatomic level) could be controlled by the intention of the observer. the physicist were trying to prove whether light energy was a wave or a particle. conducting the EXACT SAME experiments, they discovered that light energy became either a wave or a particle depending on the intentions of the person running the experiment. In other words, the thoughts of the scientist created the outcome.
Let that sink in for a second.
its hard to imagine or grasp the power we hold within us if we can tap into using intention. But with great power comes great responsibility…and if we can practice, and develop, and learn to harness and use this power for love and nurturing and healing, then so can those who want to use it to control and dominate.
But first they’d have to believe…so maybe this is the best kept secret of all.
let the revolution begin.
my new roommate arrived today. a rude awakening at 5:30 this morning, as i hadn’t realized he (I think he’s a he) was coming. I probably should have done a better job of investigating before I jammed my hand into my backpack…only to feel that old familiar sting….
ahhhh, scorpions. life in central America…
this is the most intense experience of my life. i’m physically exhausted. emotionally drained. and throbbing with happiness…the ticans have an expression “pura vida” meaning pure life. now I understand.
girl, interrupted. the shrink asks wynona riders character what she wants to do…and Wynona’s indignant reply is ” I’m ambivalent!” which we all take to mean, i don’t care, i have no preference. The shrink goes on to explain that ambivalent actually means – torn in two opposing directions – and thus stuck in the middle, unable to decide.
american sociologist/philosopher morrie schwartz (the morrie of tuesdays with morrie) calls it the tension of opposites. do I have children or not? do I get married or not. The tension maintaining stasis. analysis paralysis. and consequently a lack of personal growth.
b.k.s. iyengar talks about the duality of life as part of the human condition, the constant push and pull of lifes ups and downs. Yet through yoga, we can become whole.
My point? hmmm…i’ve been stuck for a long time. moving laterally perhaps, but not growing, not sure which direction to grow to. What is truly important? What are the big deal things…peace of mind, freedom, a sense of purpose, love, babies, fruit, yoga. smiling. meditation. mystery. cray-pas. Yes, yes, yes.
It’s amazing what can happen when you open yourself up to the possibilities of the universe…
today, my first in class, we received our books and packets. And included was a set of Cray-Pas…remember those great pastel crayons we had in kindergarten. I was so excited. But then the yogi instructed us that we are to colorize our books so we were to start unwrapping the pastels and BREAKING them in half. I couldn’t take it…they were perfect, elegent cylinders. organized and wrapped neatly (I never knew I was so anal). I protested, but did as I was told. Then it hit me, by being forced to break them and unwrap them I would be able to actually use them. To break the seal, so to speak, on their perfection took away the hesitation and gave me instant freedom. So fascinanting that this should happen the day after my moleskine dilemma. Which by the way… I did start writing in…and the openier “EXPERIENCE – the abiity to step outside yourself and land someplace you’ve never been.”
i can’t believe how lucky I am to end up here. the director of the program here has a background in art therapy and experiential education. somehow, after reading the literature, I hadn’t connected with those facts until I arrived and realized this is precisely where I needed to be. namaste!
i brought a moleskin notebook with me on my retreat, but unwrapping it I’m struck with an odd sense of fear. maybe it’s more like unworthiness. but it’s not just the melodramatic marketing hype of the moleskine name…that the likes of Picasso and Hemmingway used these same books to capture their sketches and jottings. but there is something about the crispness of the acid free paper, the smooth perfection of its creamy pages, the contrast of the black binding –matte and frame to creations intended for its pages. so beautifully made. so virginal. my ramblings, and my rewriting, and scratch outs…are all too imperfect. and too over-thought. and oh which pen to use. and what could I possible say for an opener…. And I’m frozen. On goes the laptop and I’m tap, tap, tapping away, deleting my misspellings and rethinking my thoughts, and rewriting my opening line. The speed of typing all the better to keep up with my far too easily distracted mind. I’ve always thought that the perfect speed at which to view the world is by bicycle. Fast enough that you feel like you’re getting somewhere, yet slow enough to take it all in. Typing is my bicycle. But have I now completely lost the art of writing, of journaling, of slowing down to think it through before committing a thought anywhere? What raw, real ideas, thoughts, feelings could end up deleted away, that years from now if put on paper would be found to be so poignant.
…this over my own shoulder editor is a judgmental being and a workaholic. She must be stopped.
As an aside, the wind here tonite is howling. Like it does at home at the beach. i’m not sure I remember it ever being so windy here. maybe it has been, but it definitely isn’t the norm. tomorrow I buy a bike, and rent a surfboard, and find the grocery store…high adventure! Yee-haw…
By the way…when you open a jar of peanut butter and its perfectly smooth…do you jab your knife in and get a big glob of it or do you hesitate?
on the cusp. on the verge. on the edge. if you’re not living on the edge you’re taking up too much space. where to go now…..